Have you had a relationship where everything was complicated?
It can be with a partner, with a friend, with a boss or boss, with a co-worker.
Maybe even now when you think of that person you get the same feeling or emotion again.
Surely you have also had the good fortune to meet that friend, boss or co-worker, with whom everything is simple, easy, happy to talk to that person.
Because as my mother would say, “there is everything in the vineyard of the Lord.”
And have not you ever wondered what it is that person that takes me out of my boxes?
Sure, and I propose to find out what it can be, if you still do not know.
But let’s take a look at both sides, that is, yourself and the other person.
Because, as you probably know, in every relationship, whatever it is, each part puts something of itself in order to maintain the way it works even if it proves unsatisfactory.
The ingredients of the cocktail that undermines all relationship
Something that appears quite frequently when there are difficulties in relationships with others, whether on a personal or professional level is the Requirement and Frustration. Both are closely related.
We all like that what we propose is as we have planned.
In many cases the plans may not be fulfilled well because we have set a very high bar or have not taken into account the possible obstacles.
In addition there are unforeseen events that will always be there and before which the only thing we can do is modify and adjust the plan.
A certain level of exigency helps you to achieve your goals the problem appears when you do not give a margin for error or you do not accept that your plan does not turn out as you have imagined it in your head.
Thus the demand, the pursuit of perfection leads you to feel dissatisfied almost permanently.
If you’re picky with yourself, you’re going to be with others. Control and intransigence will appear when you expect others to act like you would, have the same tastes, be willing to do what you would do, want what you do, and so on.
Frustration is an emotional response to unfulfilled desires and expectations.
Everyone at one time or another has felt frustrated. The difference is how often we feel frustrated and how we react to that emotion.
It depends on the learning that you have done in your childhood around the frustration that you have more or less tolerance to it.
It may happen that in the face of any eventuality, no matter how small, it leaves your outline or your expectations and you feel disappointed and frustrated.
Frustration can trigger anger, anxiety, depression, it will depend on the personality traits of whoever suffers it, from assiduity and intensity.
The environment also plays its part, if you are in a highly competitive work environment, where the goals or objectives are very demanding and where you only value the result and not the effort, it will be easier for frustrating situations.
How your expectations will not be met, dissatisfaction will be present regularly and will affect your mood and attitude. You will probably think that the other is not up to par, has failed you, has no interest, does not strive, etc.
In the case of relationships, if your relationship does not meet the requirements that you consider must meet any relationship, or if you feel you are unrequited or heard in the same way as you listen or attend to your partner, be a Source of discomfort and dissatisfaction for you, that is, frustration.
If you feel that an ongoing daily contact by phone or wassap with your partner is important and does not answer every message or call that you make during the day, you will feel disillusioned.
If you answer but with a brief comment and you consider that the subject gives much of itself, you will feel that you are not very interested in what you explain.
With your children also you will exercise this demand and will result in control to make sure you do things as they should do. You will rarely be satisfied with their results and they will be generating a feeling of not being adequate and maybe stress.
These would be examples of some of the situations that can occur.
What are you doing on your part?
Finally, I’d like to give you some more clue as to what you might be putting on your side. It has to do with your character , which in turn determine your strategy when interact with others.
Check with which of them you feel more identified in the relationship with your partner, friends, co-workers, bosses, etc:
You feel disappointed when the other person does not fulfill all that is necessary to have a perfect relationship
You wait for the other person to need you and tell you continually why you are totally giving yourself and always available to offer your help
You want to feel continually recognized and admired in everything you do and of course that others are also up to
Let the other person be when you want and at the same time leave you when you need it, respect your space and let all that know without having to tell you
That he understands to you and that it makes easy for you to understand him without needing many explanations, that respects your space does not have to count according to which things and at the same time that is to your side and supports you
You expect me to trust you and make you feel safe and maybe even if everything goes well you have doubts because you do not trust and you do not believe it
You expect the relationship to be great, intense and enjoy continuously and that the other is also fun and enthusiastic at all times.
You can also apply it in reverse, that is, the person with whom you have that conflict or lack of understanding can respond to one of these patterns.
If you still do not know which pattern you usually follow and you want to find out what it is, I suggest you follow these guidelines.
First steps to recognize your relationship pattern
# 1 # Observe
Pay attention for a few days what do you think, do and say and how you feel when you relate to the person / s with which you have the difficulty.
Identify what is repeated in those three levels (think, do and feel).
# 2 # Put yourself in the other person’s place
When you have a moment when you are alone, imagine that you are facing the other person.
Put yourself in that place where you have imagined is closing his eyes and put in place what he thinks, what he does or says and what he feels.
It is convenient that you perform this exercise, the two steps, for several days to acquire a certain skill, at first can be somewhat difficult because of lack of practice.
After a few days you will surely begin to recognize what is repeated in most of the occasions when you relate to that person / s.
I assure you that if you follow these steps and get your attention, only discovering what is there will help you make some small change, either in your attitude or behavior, that will facilitate your relationship with that person.
I encourage you to try it because in your hands is part of the solution.